Thursday, July 1, 2010

Domestic Partnership

I have to admit, I am now someone's partner... and it all happened so fast!

LOL!

I know it doesn't change things between us, in fact, it's about the least "official" you can be, but, it is legal, and it is binding, so, I guess it means something.

Now why would I get weirded out after the fact? I've wanted to marry this man for six months, and now that we're in a government recognized relationship, all of a sudden I get cold feet?

As I think it through, which I'm trying to do, I think it's two-fold. One, still really scared of committment. Still sure that its going to make our relationship go bad, although that is an incredibly irrational thought. Second, I guess I'm a bit afraid that this may keep us from actually getting married. Like this is all thats really needed, when I admit, although I don't want a dress and church and any of that... I still want a ceremony, somewhere, sometime, not my banker notarizing a piece of paper.

Well, we'll see what happens. Just calm down girl!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Time to Talk

I've fallen back into the role of my sister's keeper. I didn't even realize I had done it until this morning.

A few months ago, after not speaking for a year, my sister and I decided we wanted to be more "sisterly". We have similar upbringings, despite being considerably different in age. I have always loved my sister, but because of the difficulties at home, and my tendency to withdraw from the family as a coping technique, we have never been close.

This time, to try and make the best of our relationship, we came to the agreement that we would not talk about our parents. There is still just so much heartache and mistrust, especially on my side, that I'd rather ignore their existence, or at least stay out of the way of the maelstrom. Although we have kept to that agreement, it seems we can't find that much to talk about.

As I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that we really only talk when one of us is down or having a bad day. Who wants to talk to someone and each time have it be a source of anxiety? To further the problem, we both seem to be very busy in our lives on our good days.

Do I need to make a call day, like a date night, with my sister? If we set up a time each week to talk, would that help? Most likely it would, but my schedule is so erratic, as is hers, I doubt we could find an agreeable time and hold to it.

Sigh....

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What is wrong with Memorial Day?

Memorial Day has passed. As I have become painfully aware, the average American could really care less why the holiday was created. Just as most Americans have not paused during the Christmas season to respect and worship the birth of our Saviour, about 98% of Americans have failed to properly observe Memorial Day.

Memorial Day is not Veteran's Day people! Although every day is appropriate to thank those in the Armed Forces, Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember those service men and women who gave all, gave their lives, in service to this country. If you want to post on Facebook, "Happy Memorial Day" you're really just an ignorant ass.

Losing a friend, a comrad-in-arms, a partner, a father, mother, brother, sister, wife, husband, son, daughter... and on and on the list goes, is a horrible thing. An otherwise healthy human being was killed in the defense of their country. They were killed over in some foreign country, just doing what their nation had asked them to do, and for it they lost their lives, and left the men that fought along side them to mourn.

Survivor's Guilt is a bitch, and the American that doesn't give a rat's ass to get this holiday right, is just adding salt to the wound that never heals.

Come on people.

For you that understand... Let our people never forget the sacrifices that have been made. Let them always remember those that have gone before.

To those who have fallen, may you rest in peace and glory.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Some Things Just Happen

Last week my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant. I can't describe to you the rush of emotions we both felt.

Since then I have miscarried.

What I kept thinking after that was that there was death inside me. It made me feel diseased, that my body was not good enough. I have since revised that thought. In fact, I think that we should try again as soon as possible. What would it hurt? We obviously accepted it when we were pregnant, so why wouldn't we just try again?

Of course, the doctor said wait. But after that, why not?

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I can do it. Isn't that most of my problem? Proving to others than I'm better than I am.

But its more than that. Its truly believing that my man would be happy, would actually look forward to a child. No matter how long I'm with him, its still such a foreign concept. It got me to thinking that I have never known a man that wants a child. My dad obviously didnt want children, he got stuck with me. The last thing any previous man wanted in life was a child. But, there is one positive thing I can take from this. My man is awesome, he is loving, and truthfully, he is as sad, disappointed and shaken as I am about this.

The problem is that I took responsibility for this, all of it. Thought it was my problem to deal with, by myself. Not only did I find that this was incredibly stupid, and incorrect thinking for myself, it was also very selfish of me. I almost shut him out of my grieving. Shut him out to grieve by himself. Sigh...

My process is still happening, but, I can rest in that everything happens for a reason.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Less of a Woman

Today I was thinking about how I used to have to pretend to be perfect. I look back now and I was a pretty fake human being. I used to cook, clean the house, care for the pets, plan parties, attend gatherings, so on and so forth. Its not that I don't enjoy many of those things, but, I did them then, for how it looked, not because I enjoyed them for their own sake.
Why did I do that? Do women still have to put on the June Cleaver face to be "good" women? I think in many respects they do.
A friend of mine and I talk about cars. We enjoy taking about cars. His girlfriend either doesn't enjoy cars or doesn't enjoy talking about them. This somehow makes her more womanly, and me more of a homewrecker. You don't believe me? OK. I like video games. I play lots of video games. It is no secret that the predominant video game players are men. To other women this makes me less womanly, and a bit strange. When I tell them that they would love them too, how its a great deal of fun, and very socializing, they look at me like I stepped on their cat.
In either of the top two scenarios insert war, guns, motorcycles, fishing, hunting, boobs, etc. What happened? Yup, thought so, either a homewrecker or cat stomper.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Sex

This morning I had great sex. I mean really extraordinary, life changing sex.

Its really never about the pleasure, although that is definitely a bonus. Its more about the sharing, the freeness, the ability to communicate with my partner in such a way, knowing him, his wants, and feeling absolutely no shame or judgement. When two people can really become one, having only one purpose, that of giving and in so doing pleasing, is quite amazing. I don't think I'm even saying it right, because there is just no word, phrase, or even book, that truly and accurately describes loving sex.

If we had never had sex, or were never to have sex again, he would still remain my partner for life. The man that I want to spend my time with, share my life with, care for every day. But the sex, its like a circle, a completion. A bond formed of trust. A whitewashing of everything around us. When we're making love, its like we are the sole inhabitants of our entire environment. There are no neighbors, no children, no thoughts outside of us.

Our sex is never repetitive, never monotonous, never expected. Its merely a continuation of the love that we show each other every day in every other way.

I sometimes think about what our sex will be like as we get older. Even if our bodies get tired, less flexible, more aged, there is nothing that will change my thoughts, the use of words, looks, closeness. It would only be another challenge to concur to make love as enthusiastically and ferociously within the new set of confines. I'll be damned if I'm not still screaming in pleasure when I'm 80.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Whoops

I realized today that there is no good way to say "I'm sorry!" when you're driving and you mess up.

Today I cut someone off, or rather I wasn't nice and didn't move over for someone merging into my lane from another highway. I know that technically I have the right of way, but it burns me up when someone does it to me. So, I realized my error, mostly because the guy merged onto the road approximately six inches off of my rear bumper.

I wanted to say "I'm sorry." and I went through the gambit of hand signals I could give. There are a ton to say you're mad, but not one that say "whoops". I suppose I could give a shoulder shrug, but, that more communicates "Hey, thats life."

Again I advocate the little signs in the cars so that we can hold them up to other drivers. That or every car displays a number, so that I can just text them my apologies. However, if we think we have road rage now, could you imagine then?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Mother, May I?

My mom wrote this morning to tell me that she would be in town next week, and would I want to get together. Well, hell no I don't want to get together. I haven't talked to her in nine months for a reason.
But, then the remorse and guilt kick in. What if this is the last time I ever get to see her? Rubbish.
What are the positives? We could talk. Maybe talk about things that actually matter and get on the road to healing this broken relationship. What are the odds of that happening? Slim to none. Unless she really has missed me like she says she has. Not like she's ever lied to me before.
What are the negatives? Here's where it gets tough, because some of the negatives are my own. Like, my pride. I don't want to see her because I still don't feel good enough. I don't want to see her again till I'm running for President or something. Or maybe till my children are 6 or 7 and I can stick it to her, so she knows what its like to not have known someone you really wanted to, and really should been a part of your life, of course, I'd have to wait alot longer for that to be more accurate.
Then, there's the whole bit about me thinking she's a really sane person now and won't pull any of the crap she has time and time again and she's all together now.
Anyways, the negatives. She could emotionally upset me. I mean, look at what a stupid letter did. Two paragraphs compared to an hour, face-to-face? I'm going to need to take a few days off of work to recover. Also, it then becomes a fight between all the other family members I've written off. I don't want to talk with any of them either, so here I'm showing favorites, right?
I guess I still have some time to think about it.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Too Young to be Old

I think I'm getting older. No, its not just the hugely long gray hair I found yesterday, its the wanting to slow down and be comfortable thing. I've worked "shift" work my entire life. Odd hours, long days, very unpredictable. For the first time in my life, I think I'd like something different. I'll always be an adrenaline junky, but, maybe, it doesn't have to be at the expense of my health.
I was talking with a friend of mine today and she said I must be looking for stability. That I'm finally settling down. That I'm ready to be a wife, and maybe even a mom. This was from someone who has convinced herself she never wants to be a mom. So, am I old?
How is it that I go from struggling that I'm too old to have a baby, to, I'm too young to want to work Monday through Friday, 9am - 5pm? Why does there always have to be so much duality in life?
Maybe, I'm the perfect age to be a mom, say, over the next five years, and maybe, over the next five years, I can find a career, and a job, that allows me to be there for my husband and my kids, on a more "normal" schedule.
But man, that was a long gray hair!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Jealousy

I've never thought of myself as a jealous person. I can't remember ever being jealous before now. I've been accused of being jealous, but in my defense, I just wanted my boyfriend at the time to wake up and smell the coffee that this girl was not just being his friend. She was going to do everything she could to push me out of his life, not excluding trashing me every chance she got. I wasn't jealous of her or worried about losing him, I was more pissed off that he was being so naive. He interpreted that as jealousy.

I now have moments of jealousy, even though I don't think that my boyfriend is going to leave me. It would break my heart into a million pieces if he did, because I just can't imagine life without him. Maybe that's where the jealousy jumps in. Waking up and knowing that he was not going to be at my side, and that he no longer loved me, I can't imagine that. I doubt I would find the will to get out of bed. So yes, for completely selfish reasons, I don't want to ever be that unhappy, and again, maybe that's the jealousy.

I think that unless I am living in some alternate universe, or completely self absorbed, I really genuinely believe, that we have a damn good thing going. But, I also don't want him to be tempted. Nor would I want to put myself in a position where I would be tempted to mess up said "good thing". There, my friend, is my rationale for jealousy.

If I'm going to go to a bar with some male friends of mine, I would hope that my boyfriend, who I know trusts me, and at least some of my friends, would still have some reservations. And lets call that reservation, jealousy.

If my boyfriend is going to have coffee with an old girlfriend, I'm going to be jealous. What if she wakes up and realizes that she had the most wonderful man ever? See, because I know he's a wonderful man. I see it every day! I think he's the greatest man I have ever known. So what if she finally sees the light?

To keep that from happening, I guess I just have to coach him on table manners and set out his clothes for the day. If he catches on to the plaid and chewing with the mouth open thing, I'll just say its because I love him!

Friday, April 9, 2010

What's The Hook?

I just finished watching Julie & Julia, and I am filled with some bittersweet emotion. I absolutely LOVED Meryl Streep as Julia Child. Seeing Julia child in the old PBS clips brought back such great memories. At first I really enjoyed the story of Julie, the blogger, who attempts to cook Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking book, every recipe, in one year.

However, that was at first. The story of Julia Child from moment one, got me crying more than once as she achieved a goal, or came against a hardship. I loved her story and wanted more. I was so disappointed when the credits rolled. But, Julie and I got off on the wrong foot, which was somewhat my fault.

Since I can't JUST watch a movie, I found myself on Wikipedia looking up Julia Child to see exactly how tall she was, 6'2", if you're curious. While I was at her entry, I noticed the blurb about the movie, and saw that Julie Powell, had an entry of her own, so I read it. BIG mistake. HUGE!

Why? Because it tells me that Julie also wrote a second book, which BOMBED. I couldn't find a nice review for it. I won't go into the book, but, let's just say its a departure from the heart warming story we were experiencing in the movie. Now, Julie Powell, don't come hunt me down and tell me I'm a mean vindictive person that can't get a soul to read my own blog so I resort to trashing others. Thats not it at all. I just let the lines blur between drama and reality, and was sorely reminded that reality is always starker and sharper, and often grungier and more distasteful, than the movies.

OK, so that was the first wrong step. With that information in mind, I watched the rest of the movie with a sarcastic and cynical eye, feeling that instead of the women growing together, Julie, the blogger, was acting more like a leech, sucking popularity and not a little bit of financial gain from Julia Child's hard work. No wonder Julia was not pleased when interviewed about the Blog/Movie.

And to top it off, I went to the Julie/Julia Project, Julie's actual blog, after I finished the movie, and it is quite the departure from the mostly wholesome blog that is portrayed in the movie. I didn't read about any orgies, but maybe I didn't read enough entries.

But, I'm not knocking the movie, the movie I loved, and not even Julie Powell. I mean, she wrote a blog, and she can do that any way she wants. Lots of people read it. People even sent money and food! Obviously people found something that interested them there. It all got made into a movie. That is the American Way, right?

I guess every good blog needs a hook. Julie Powell had Julia Child's book, and look there's Meryl Streep. Justin Halpern (of twitterdom fame, Shit My Dad Says) had a crochety old man, and now look, there's William Shatner. There are a ton of political blogs out there, and I think I'm drowning in techie ones too. They review things, rant about things, disect the smallest rumor leaked from a Taiwanese bathroom stall... but, they have drawn an interest.

I guess that leaves me. I'm not a conformist (of course by saying that, I submit to a certain amount of conformity, don't I?). I love to write, and I love to think that people will read my blog, but, I'll write it anyways, even if CBS won't give me a show. I hope that it offers something of interest, but, I can't think what that would be. So, if you've read this, and you haven't already zipped off to some other blog, drop me a comment that says why you're here. I accept anonymous... because, well... I'm anonymous!

But, back to the movie. My grandmother loved Julia Child. I sat at the breakfast table on many occasions and watched Julia Child cook on PBS from a small 15" TV. My grandmother cooked like Julia, having as much fun as necessary and alternately treating us and punishing us with creations. Although I must say, I have a very diverse palate. Even though I hated water chestnuts as a kid, because they found themselves in all sorts of food, now I eat them fondly, thinking about chicken salad sandwiches and ice cold milk.

So, I ordered Julia's book, the 49th printing of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I look forward to making some Hollandaise Sauce and maybe, if I get really frisky, I'll try de-boning that duck.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Icebergs

Women can be like icebergs. What they "say" is whats above the surface, but what they "think" is the dangerous part below the surface.

A buddy of mine has a girlfriend. We all used to be friends on Facebook. Then one day I noticed that I was no longer one of her friends. It didnt really bug me, but I asked my friend if he knew what was up, like had she said anything? He said she hadn't said anything. Well, now, weeks later, my friend says that it sounds like she ditched the Facebook friendship because she's jealous.

Of what? I've never seen her boyfriend, in our adult lives, without her there. I've known him for almosty twenty years, but I respect her, and want her to know its nothing but a friendship, but I guess some women are beyond reason.

Unfortunately, even though I've said nothing to the girlfriend, and it doesn't bother me at all, now my buddy is taking offense to her ditching me and being jealous in general. Ugh! He says he's just about had it! What the heck? They haven't even talked about what's going on!

Its too bad.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Who's Your Momma?

Today my boyfriend called me "Momma" & it made me cry & smile all at the same time.

He was talking to the dogs and then he looked up at me and said, "Hey Momma!". I tell the dogs to find "Daddy" all the time, but I'd never heard it reversed. I loved it!!

What Matters More Than Money?

I had been looking forward to playing XBox today. Its my day off and it is my favorite way to unwind and relax. I had a group of friends lined up to play with me and I was really looking forward to the social aspect, not to mention the competitive fun.

Well, as these things often happen, I turned it on to find I had RROD, or for you less XBox addicted, the Red Rings of Death, a system error that makes your XBox a really good paperweight. I then contacted my group of friends who were already amassing worldwide, to tell them that I wouldn't be playing tonight, or in the forseeable future, and I told them why. This elicited the correct amount of sympathy from everyone. Gotta love your friends!

Then I called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. Not only was he sympathetic, but he told me to take his credit card and go buy another XBox. He always reminds me that my happiness is more important to him than anything else. How very lucky am I?

Say, "I Love You."

If you're not confident enough that your man loves you, that you despair when he doesn't say it often, then you must look inside for your source of doubt. But, if you love your man, & you want to tell him so, you should. However, always remember, there is more love in actions than there is in words.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Friends and Lovers

I'm tired today. I worked overnight, and the simple tasks of my job are driving me up the wall. I am gritting my teeth trying to not yell at people.

Unfortunately for one of my friends, he takes the opportunity to involve me in a texting conversation that is literally sapping my will to live. I remember when I loved texting because it relieved me from having conversations with people, that took up time I could be doing something else. I could instead text AND get my project accomplished.

Now however, people know that our cell phones are glued to our hands and no one goes five feet from them, so if you don't immediately text back, you're obviously ignoring them. And please tell me, whats wrong with that?

If I see someone on the street and I know them, I say hi. They say hi back. If we have a second, one or the other may say, how have you been? At no part in this exchange are you required to stop everything you're doing and focus on the other person explicitly.

So, first off, I've been letting my phone blink with the message for about ten minutes inbetween messages. By the time I pick it up, there are usually one or two messages to reply to, I do, and then I set my phone back down and walk away. We got rid of the damn corded wall phones because they were inconvient and anchored us down. But we were at least still free when we left the house! Now I'm anchored 24/7, unless I turn the phone off, and stick it in the bottom of my sock drawer!

But the annoyance is not the real rant. I'm annoyed by the rain right now, and I LOVE when it rains. I'm even annoyed at how poorly I'm typing, man, no sleep is awesome! My real cause for thought is that months ago this friend of mine and I had considered some "open relationship" kinda stuff. Not that I find him or his wife overly attractive, but more for the idea of it all. Well, now, my relationship has changed and I'm not interested in even being flirty with him. He's still a good friend of mine, but, well, once you've crossed that line and let flirting enter in, its really hard to go back to when you all were just buds hanging out. Or, at least, if you can do that, I don't know how.

So, since I'm a wuss and I've never said that I'm not interested anymore, I can barely fault him for leading his conversations with statements about being bored and wanting something different. We all know guy babble, they're not looking for a new hobby to pass the time, they want you to flirt with them and bring some excitement back into their life. But, again, since I'm a wuss, I'm being totally dishonest to my friend and ignoring his subtle attempts at a flirtatious conversation.

Silly thing is that when I think about it, from his point of view, which is more injurious, being ignored by me, or simply being told that circumstances have changed? Ya, guess I answered my own question there.

Once a Friend

This morning I wrote a friend of mine who I haven't seen or talked to in a year because we had a series of arguments that just finally killed our friendship. A few weeks ago, she tells me that she is getting a divorce.

Of course I'm sad. Who wouldn't be? But I felt these overwhelming desires to either not even respond, because I don't need the drama, or, open my arms and welcome her back in. I don't know which one she wanted, but, I responded in like manner to her email to me, told her I was sorry that she was going through a difficult time. Enough said.

However, I happened to be watching an episode of House, where the patient was a blogger, and it made me think about my friend's blog. After not visiting it for months, I checked in, and the emotional onslaught was huge.

Am I bad friend, even though we had argued, to not make sure she was doing okay? I don't "think" so, but my body "feels" so. Is it my fault that she's not happy? No. Then why do I feel like it is my responsibility to make her happy again?

I ended up writing her an email. I tried to be honest, but not hurtful. I told her, or at least I think I did, that I can't be friends with someone that is so destructive. Now, it remains to be seen if she sees herself as destructive. If she does, maybe there's hope for our friendship yet. If not, well, denial is a bitch!

Update: 4/8/10
It had been a few days, and I still hadn't heard anything from the friend I wrote, which, I found odd, but not unbelievable. Well, today, I was writing another friend, and I sent off the letter, and since it had taken me forever, my email program had saved it in the draft folder. When I went to go delete it from the draft folder, there was the letter I had written to my friend. I had never sent it!

So now I have to decide, do I still send it, or, do I just let things lie? Since I can leave the email right where it is, and it'll be there if I ever decide to send it, I think I'm going to let things stay just how they are right now. I may stop by her blog, but, after thinking about it for the last few days, I still think we would just be wrong for each other. She would hold me back from growing as a person, and I dont think she's ready to get better yet. It can only be a decision you make for yourself. So, I guess everything happens for a reason.