Thursday, July 1, 2010

Domestic Partnership

I have to admit, I am now someone's partner... and it all happened so fast!


I know it doesn't change things between us, in fact, it's about the least "official" you can be, but, it is legal, and it is binding, so, I guess it means something.

Now why would I get weirded out after the fact? I've wanted to marry this man for six months, and now that we're in a government recognized relationship, all of a sudden I get cold feet?

As I think it through, which I'm trying to do, I think it's two-fold. One, still really scared of committment. Still sure that its going to make our relationship go bad, although that is an incredibly irrational thought. Second, I guess I'm a bit afraid that this may keep us from actually getting married. Like this is all thats really needed, when I admit, although I don't want a dress and church and any of that... I still want a ceremony, somewhere, sometime, not my banker notarizing a piece of paper.

Well, we'll see what happens. Just calm down girl!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Time to Talk

I've fallen back into the role of my sister's keeper. I didn't even realize I had done it until this morning.

A few months ago, after not speaking for a year, my sister and I decided we wanted to be more "sisterly". We have similar upbringings, despite being considerably different in age. I have always loved my sister, but because of the difficulties at home, and my tendency to withdraw from the family as a coping technique, we have never been close.

This time, to try and make the best of our relationship, we came to the agreement that we would not talk about our parents. There is still just so much heartache and mistrust, especially on my side, that I'd rather ignore their existence, or at least stay out of the way of the maelstrom. Although we have kept to that agreement, it seems we can't find that much to talk about.

As I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that we really only talk when one of us is down or having a bad day. Who wants to talk to someone and each time have it be a source of anxiety? To further the problem, we both seem to be very busy in our lives on our good days.

Do I need to make a call day, like a date night, with my sister? If we set up a time each week to talk, would that help? Most likely it would, but my schedule is so erratic, as is hers, I doubt we could find an agreeable time and hold to it.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What is wrong with Memorial Day?

Memorial Day has passed. As I have become painfully aware, the average American could really care less why the holiday was created. Just as most Americans have not paused during the Christmas season to respect and worship the birth of our Saviour, about 98% of Americans have failed to properly observe Memorial Day.

Memorial Day is not Veteran's Day people! Although every day is appropriate to thank those in the Armed Forces, Memorial Day was set aside as a day to remember those service men and women who gave all, gave their lives, in service to this country. If you want to post on Facebook, "Happy Memorial Day" you're really just an ignorant ass.

Losing a friend, a comrad-in-arms, a partner, a father, mother, brother, sister, wife, husband, son, daughter... and on and on the list goes, is a horrible thing. An otherwise healthy human being was killed in the defense of their country. They were killed over in some foreign country, just doing what their nation had asked them to do, and for it they lost their lives, and left the men that fought along side them to mourn.

Survivor's Guilt is a bitch, and the American that doesn't give a rat's ass to get this holiday right, is just adding salt to the wound that never heals.

Come on people.

For you that understand... Let our people never forget the sacrifices that have been made. Let them always remember those that have gone before.

To those who have fallen, may you rest in peace and glory.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Some Things Just Happen

Last week my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant. I can't describe to you the rush of emotions we both felt.

Since then I have miscarried.

What I kept thinking after that was that there was death inside me. It made me feel diseased, that my body was not good enough. I have since revised that thought. In fact, I think that we should try again as soon as possible. What would it hurt? We obviously accepted it when we were pregnant, so why wouldn't we just try again?

Of course, the doctor said wait. But after that, why not?

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I can do it. Isn't that most of my problem? Proving to others than I'm better than I am.

But its more than that. Its truly believing that my man would be happy, would actually look forward to a child. No matter how long I'm with him, its still such a foreign concept. It got me to thinking that I have never known a man that wants a child. My dad obviously didnt want children, he got stuck with me. The last thing any previous man wanted in life was a child. But, there is one positive thing I can take from this. My man is awesome, he is loving, and truthfully, he is as sad, disappointed and shaken as I am about this.

The problem is that I took responsibility for this, all of it. Thought it was my problem to deal with, by myself. Not only did I find that this was incredibly stupid, and incorrect thinking for myself, it was also very selfish of me. I almost shut him out of my grieving. Shut him out to grieve by himself. Sigh...

My process is still happening, but, I can rest in that everything happens for a reason.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Less of a Woman

Today I was thinking about how I used to have to pretend to be perfect. I look back now and I was a pretty fake human being. I used to cook, clean the house, care for the pets, plan parties, attend gatherings, so on and so forth. Its not that I don't enjoy many of those things, but, I did them then, for how it looked, not because I enjoyed them for their own sake.
Why did I do that? Do women still have to put on the June Cleaver face to be "good" women? I think in many respects they do.
A friend of mine and I talk about cars. We enjoy taking about cars. His girlfriend either doesn't enjoy cars or doesn't enjoy talking about them. This somehow makes her more womanly, and me more of a homewrecker. You don't believe me? OK. I like video games. I play lots of video games. It is no secret that the predominant video game players are men. To other women this makes me less womanly, and a bit strange. When I tell them that they would love them too, how its a great deal of fun, and very socializing, they look at me like I stepped on their cat.
In either of the top two scenarios insert war, guns, motorcycles, fishing, hunting, boobs, etc. What happened? Yup, thought so, either a homewrecker or cat stomper.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


This morning I had great sex. I mean really extraordinary, life changing sex.

Its really never about the pleasure, although that is definitely a bonus. Its more about the sharing, the freeness, the ability to communicate with my partner in such a way, knowing him, his wants, and feeling absolutely no shame or judgement. When two people can really become one, having only one purpose, that of giving and in so doing pleasing, is quite amazing. I don't think I'm even saying it right, because there is just no word, phrase, or even book, that truly and accurately describes loving sex.

If we had never had sex, or were never to have sex again, he would still remain my partner for life. The man that I want to spend my time with, share my life with, care for every day. But the sex, its like a circle, a completion. A bond formed of trust. A whitewashing of everything around us. When we're making love, its like we are the sole inhabitants of our entire environment. There are no neighbors, no children, no thoughts outside of us.

Our sex is never repetitive, never monotonous, never expected. Its merely a continuation of the love that we show each other every day in every other way.

I sometimes think about what our sex will be like as we get older. Even if our bodies get tired, less flexible, more aged, there is nothing that will change my thoughts, the use of words, looks, closeness. It would only be another challenge to concur to make love as enthusiastically and ferociously within the new set of confines. I'll be damned if I'm not still screaming in pleasure when I'm 80.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I realized today that there is no good way to say "I'm sorry!" when you're driving and you mess up.

Today I cut someone off, or rather I wasn't nice and didn't move over for someone merging into my lane from another highway. I know that technically I have the right of way, but it burns me up when someone does it to me. So, I realized my error, mostly because the guy merged onto the road approximately six inches off of my rear bumper.

I wanted to say "I'm sorry." and I went through the gambit of hand signals I could give. There are a ton to say you're mad, but not one that say "whoops". I suppose I could give a shoulder shrug, but, that more communicates "Hey, thats life."

Again I advocate the little signs in the cars so that we can hold them up to other drivers. That or every car displays a number, so that I can just text them my apologies. However, if we think we have road rage now, could you imagine then?