Some Things Just Happen

Last week my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant. I can't describe to you the rush of emotions we both felt.

Since then I have miscarried.

What I kept thinking after that was that there was death inside me. It made me feel diseased, that my body was not good enough. I have since revised that thought. In fact, I think that we should try again as soon as possible. What would it hurt? We obviously accepted it when we were pregnant, so why wouldn't we just try again?

Of course, the doctor said wait. But after that, why not?

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I can do it. Isn't that most of my problem? Proving to others than I'm better than I am.

But its more than that. Its truly believing that my man would be happy, would actually look forward to a child. No matter how long I'm with him, its still such a foreign concept. It got me to thinking that I have never known a man that wants a child. My dad obviously didnt want children, he got stuck with me. The last thing any previous man wanted in life was a child. But, there is one positive thing I can take from this. My man is awesome, he is loving, and truthfully, he is as sad, disappointed and shaken as I am about this.

The problem is that I took responsibility for this, all of it. Thought it was my problem to deal with, by myself. Not only did I find that this was incredibly stupid, and incorrect thinking for myself, it was also very selfish of me. I almost shut him out of my grieving. Shut him out to grieve by himself. Sigh...

My process is still happening, but, I can rest in that everything happens for a reason.