Less of a Woman

Today I was thinking about how I used to have to pretend to be perfect. I look back now and I was a pretty fake human being. I used to cook, clean the house, care for the pets, plan parties, attend gatherings, so on and so forth. Its not that I don't enjoy many of those things, but, I did them then, for how it looked, not because I enjoyed them for their own sake.
Why did I do that? Do women still have to put on the June Cleaver face to be "good" women? I think in many respects they do.
A friend of mine and I talk about cars. We enjoy taking about cars. His girlfriend either doesn't enjoy cars or doesn't enjoy talking about them. This somehow makes her more womanly, and me more of a homewrecker. You don't believe me? OK. I like video games. I play lots of video games. It is no secret that the predominant video game players are men. To other women this makes me less womanly, and a bit strange. When I tell them that they would love them too, how its a great deal of fun, and very socializing, they look at me like I stepped on their cat.
In either of the top two scenarios insert war, guns, motorcycles, fishing, hunting, boobs, etc. What happened? Yup, thought so, either a homewrecker or cat stomper.

Sex

This morning I had great sex. I mean really extraordinary, life changing sex.

Its really never about the pleasure, although that is definitely a bonus. Its more about the sharing, the freeness, the ability to communicate with my partner in such a way, knowing him, his wants, and feeling absolutely no shame or judgement. When two people can really become one, having only one purpose, that of giving and in so doing pleasing, is quite amazing. I don't think I'm even saying it right, because there is just no word, phrase, or even book, that truly and accurately describes loving sex.

If we had never had sex, or were never to have sex again, he would still remain my partner for life. The man that I want to spend my time with, share my life with, care for every day. But the sex, its like a circle, a completion. A bond formed of trust. A whitewashing of everything around us. When we're making love, its like we are the sole inhabitants of our entire environment. There are no neighbors, no children, no thoughts outside of us.

Our sex is never repetitive, never monotonous, never expected. Its merely a continuation of the love that we show each other every day in every other way.

I sometimes think about what our sex will be like as we get older. Even if our bodies get tired, less flexible, more aged, there is nothing that will change my thoughts, the use of words, looks, closeness. It would only be another challenge to concur to make love as enthusiastically and ferociously within the new set of confines. I'll be damned if I'm not still screaming in pleasure when I'm 80.

Whoops

I realized today that there is no good way to say "I'm sorry!" when you're driving and you mess up.

Today I cut someone off, or rather I wasn't nice and didn't move over for someone merging into my lane from another highway. I know that technically I have the right of way, but it burns me up when someone does it to me. So, I realized my error, mostly because the guy merged onto the road approximately six inches off of my rear bumper.

I wanted to say "I'm sorry." and I went through the gambit of hand signals I could give. There are a ton to say you're mad, but not one that say "whoops". I suppose I could give a shoulder shrug, but, that more communicates "Hey, thats life."

Again I advocate the little signs in the cars so that we can hold them up to other drivers. That or every car displays a number, so that I can just text them my apologies. However, if we think we have road rage now, could you imagine then?

Mother, May I?

My mom wrote this morning to tell me that she would be in town next week, and would I want to get together. Well, hell no I don't want to get together. I haven't talked to her in nine months for a reason.
But, then the remorse and guilt kick in. What if this is the last time I ever get to see her? Rubbish.
What are the positives? We could talk. Maybe talk about things that actually matter and get on the road to healing this broken relationship. What are the odds of that happening? Slim to none. Unless she really has missed me like she says she has. Not like she's ever lied to me before.
What are the negatives? Here's where it gets tough, because some of the negatives are my own. Like, my pride. I don't want to see her because I still don't feel good enough. I don't want to see her again till I'm running for President or something. Or maybe till my children are 6 or 7 and I can stick it to her, so she knows what its like to not have known someone you really wanted to, and really should been a part of your life, of course, I'd have to wait alot longer for that to be more accurate.
Then, there's the whole bit about me thinking she's a really sane person now and won't pull any of the crap she has time and time again and she's all together now.
Anyways, the negatives. She could emotionally upset me. I mean, look at what a stupid letter did. Two paragraphs compared to an hour, face-to-face? I'm going to need to take a few days off of work to recover. Also, it then becomes a fight between all the other family members I've written off. I don't want to talk with any of them either, so here I'm showing favorites, right?
I guess I still have some time to think about it.

Too Young to be Old

I think I'm getting older. No, its not just the hugely long gray hair I found yesterday, its the wanting to slow down and be comfortable thing. I've worked "shift" work my entire life. Odd hours, long days, very unpredictable. For the first time in my life, I think I'd like something different. I'll always be an adrenaline junky, but, maybe, it doesn't have to be at the expense of my health.
I was talking with a friend of mine today and she said I must be looking for stability. That I'm finally settling down. That I'm ready to be a wife, and maybe even a mom. This was from someone who has convinced herself she never wants to be a mom. So, am I old?
How is it that I go from struggling that I'm too old to have a baby, to, I'm too young to want to work Monday through Friday, 9am - 5pm? Why does there always have to be so much duality in life?
Maybe, I'm the perfect age to be a mom, say, over the next five years, and maybe, over the next five years, I can find a career, and a job, that allows me to be there for my husband and my kids, on a more "normal" schedule.
But man, that was a long gray hair!

Jealousy

I've never thought of myself as a jealous person. I can't remember ever being jealous before now. I've been accused of being jealous, but in my defense, I just wanted my boyfriend at the time to wake up and smell the coffee that this girl was not just being his friend. She was going to do everything she could to push me out of his life, not excluding trashing me every chance she got. I wasn't jealous of her or worried about losing him, I was more pissed off that he was being so naive. He interpreted that as jealousy.

I now have moments of jealousy, even though I don't think that my boyfriend is going to leave me. It would break my heart into a million pieces if he did, because I just can't imagine life without him. Maybe that's where the jealousy jumps in. Waking up and knowing that he was not going to be at my side, and that he no longer loved me, I can't imagine that. I doubt I would find the will to get out of bed. So yes, for completely selfish reasons, I don't want to ever be that unhappy, and again, maybe that's the jealousy.

I think that unless I am living in some alternate universe, or completely self absorbed, I really genuinely believe, that we have a damn good thing going. But, I also don't want him to be tempted. Nor would I want to put myself in a position where I would be tempted to mess up said "good thing". There, my friend, is my rationale for jealousy.

If I'm going to go to a bar with some male friends of mine, I would hope that my boyfriend, who I know trusts me, and at least some of my friends, would still have some reservations. And lets call that reservation, jealousy.

If my boyfriend is going to have coffee with an old girlfriend, I'm going to be jealous. What if she wakes up and realizes that she had the most wonderful man ever? See, because I know he's a wonderful man. I see it every day! I think he's the greatest man I have ever known. So what if she finally sees the light?

To keep that from happening, I guess I just have to coach him on table manners and set out his clothes for the day. If he catches on to the plaid and chewing with the mouth open thing, I'll just say its because I love him!

What's The Hook?

I just finished watching Julie & Julia, and I am filled with some bittersweet emotion. I absolutely LOVED Meryl Streep as Julia Child. Seeing Julia child in the old PBS clips brought back such great memories. At first I really enjoyed the story of Julie, the blogger, who attempts to cook Julia's Mastering the Art of French Cooking book, every recipe, in one year.

However, that was at first. The story of Julia Child from moment one, got me crying more than once as she achieved a goal, or came against a hardship. I loved her story and wanted more. I was so disappointed when the credits rolled. But, Julie and I got off on the wrong foot, which was somewhat my fault.

Since I can't JUST watch a movie, I found myself on Wikipedia looking up Julia Child to see exactly how tall she was, 6'2", if you're curious. While I was at her entry, I noticed the blurb about the movie, and saw that Julie Powell, had an entry of her own, so I read it. BIG mistake. HUGE!

Why? Because it tells me that Julie also wrote a second book, which BOMBED. I couldn't find a nice review for it. I won't go into the book, but, let's just say its a departure from the heart warming story we were experiencing in the movie. Now, Julie Powell, don't come hunt me down and tell me I'm a mean vindictive person that can't get a soul to read my own blog so I resort to trashing others. Thats not it at all. I just let the lines blur between drama and reality, and was sorely reminded that reality is always starker and sharper, and often grungier and more distasteful, than the movies.

OK, so that was the first wrong step. With that information in mind, I watched the rest of the movie with a sarcastic and cynical eye, feeling that instead of the women growing together, Julie, the blogger, was acting more like a leech, sucking popularity and not a little bit of financial gain from Julia Child's hard work. No wonder Julia was not pleased when interviewed about the Blog/Movie.

And to top it off, I went to the Julie/Julia Project, Julie's actual blog, after I finished the movie, and it is quite the departure from the mostly wholesome blog that is portrayed in the movie. I didn't read about any orgies, but maybe I didn't read enough entries.

But, I'm not knocking the movie, the movie I loved, and not even Julie Powell. I mean, she wrote a blog, and she can do that any way she wants. Lots of people read it. People even sent money and food! Obviously people found something that interested them there. It all got made into a movie. That is the American Way, right?

I guess every good blog needs a hook. Julie Powell had Julia Child's book, and look there's Meryl Streep. Justin Halpern (of twitterdom fame, Shit My Dad Says) had a crochety old man, and now look, there's William Shatner. There are a ton of political blogs out there, and I think I'm drowning in techie ones too. They review things, rant about things, disect the smallest rumor leaked from a Taiwanese bathroom stall... but, they have drawn an interest.

I guess that leaves me. I'm not a conformist (of course by saying that, I submit to a certain amount of conformity, don't I?). I love to write, and I love to think that people will read my blog, but, I'll write it anyways, even if CBS won't give me a show. I hope that it offers something of interest, but, I can't think what that would be. So, if you've read this, and you haven't already zipped off to some other blog, drop me a comment that says why you're here. I accept anonymous... because, well... I'm anonymous!

But, back to the movie. My grandmother loved Julia Child. I sat at the breakfast table on many occasions and watched Julia Child cook on PBS from a small 15" TV. My grandmother cooked like Julia, having as much fun as necessary and alternately treating us and punishing us with creations. Although I must say, I have a very diverse palate. Even though I hated water chestnuts as a kid, because they found themselves in all sorts of food, now I eat them fondly, thinking about chicken salad sandwiches and ice cold milk.

So, I ordered Julia's book, the 49th printing of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I look forward to making some Hollandaise Sauce and maybe, if I get really frisky, I'll try de-boning that duck.